


First Impressions and Second Chances

by raphaelsantiagosavedhimself



Category: Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Book Spoilers, Clary and Raphael brotp, M/M, Post-COHF, Saphael, Some Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-04
Updated: 2016-06-04
Packaged: 2018-07-12 05:08:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7086640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raphaelsantiagosavedhimself/pseuds/raphaelsantiagosavedhimself
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Simon doesn't remember his life as a vampire and he doesn't remember Raphael. Raphael can't resist the urge to go and see Simon's band performing, but Simon notices him. Raphael knows he's not supposed to have anything to do with Simon anymore, but he misses him too much</p>
            </blockquote>





	First Impressions and Second Chances

**Author's Note:**

> Also posted on my tumblr

When he saw the band flyer, he hadn’t been able to resist. In the days before the show he had told himself it was a bad idea, that he shouldn’t go. He was still telling himself that as he left the Dumort and made his way to the small, grimy venue and took a seat at the very back of the room.

Raphael kept his eyes averted from anyone else, afraid of making eye contact, of leaving a lasting impression on anyone. Worse, he was worried about seeing someone who might recognise him. If he had had felt the urge to come here, what was to say none of the Nephilim hadn’t also spotted the flyer and decided to come too?

From the moment the band trooped onstage, Raphael was unable to take his eyes off Simon. The music hurt his head, but he didn’t care. Simon’s face was flushed with pleasure even as his brow furrowed in concentration as he played. The loss of his vampire grace didn’t seem to have changed him much; he was almost exactly as Raphael remembered him. His brown hair was a mess, he wore a T-shirt bearing the words ‘Made in Brooklyn’, and baggy jeans with battered Converse shoes. There was not a mark on him to suggest there may be more to him than anyone, even himself, would ever guess. No Mark of Cain on his forehead, no scars on his skin, and, of course, no vampire fangs. But he was still Simon.

Raphael was only made aware of how much time had passed, how much time he had spent looking at nothing but Simon, when between songs one of Simon’s bandmates whispered something into Simon’s ear, and then Simon raised his head and his eyes locked on Raphael’s. Several seconds passed in which Raphael and Simon simply stared at each other across the room, and then Raphael got hurriedly to his feet, almost knocking his chair over backwards. He kept his head down as he made his way from the room, but he could feel people staring at him.

It had started to rain outside. Raphael pushed open the pub doors and stepped out into the downpour and was drenched in seconds. He turned away from the doors as they swung shut again.

He fumbled his phone out of his pocket and dialled Magnus’ number.

‘If there’s another problem with Elliott, it might have to wait,’ Magnus answered, sounding irritated.

‘It isn’t Elliott.’ He voice shook.

‘Raphael?’ Magnus asked, the irritation vanishing from his voice instantly. ‘You okay?’

Raphael closed his eyes, feeling rainwater run down his forehead and eyelids, dripping from his eyelashes. ‘I made a mistake.’

There was silence and Raphael knew exactly the kind of thing that was going through Magnus’ mind. Because Raphael rarely admitted to making a mistake at all, never mind go to Magnus for help. Unless it was serious. Magnus was probably thinking he had accidentally killed someone and needed protection from the Nephilim or something.

‘What happens if the Daylighter— I mean Simon. Because he’s not… What happens if he sees any of us?’

‘What have you done?’

‘I don’t think he actually recognised me, but he looked right at me.’

‘Raphael, what have you done?’

‘I don’t—’

‘Hey, are you okay?’ a voice asked behind him.

Raphael spun around, his phone slipping out of his hand to clatter onto the rain soaked ground. He had not heard the door opening, had not known Simon had been standing behind him.

‘How long were you standing there?’ Raphael demanded. ‘How much did you hear?’

‘I just got here,’ Simon said, looking startled. ‘You looked pretty upset when you walked out like that, so I thought I’d come and see if you were okay. Here.’ He bent and retrieved Raphael’s phone from the ground, wiping the screen on his jeans to clean off the dirt and water before holding it out to Raphael. Raphael took it from him, unable to take his eyes off Simon’s. Simon was smiling at him uncertainly, looking slightly worried.

The phone call was still connected. Raphael put the phone back to his ear and heard ‘—can hear Simon. Raphael, you shouldn’t be there, get away from him right now. Tell me where you are and I’ll come and pick you up. It’s for his own good—’

Raphael lowered the phone and hung up.

‘Come back inside,’ Simon said, gesturing towards the doors.

‘I should go.’

‘Come on,’ Simon said. ‘It’s freezing cold and it’s pouring down and you’re in short sleeves. You’ll get sick.’

Raphael’s stomach twisted. He couldn’t feel the cold and he couldn’t get sick. Not long ago, Simon would have known that. Now he had no idea. He had no idea and all he wanted to do was help.

Simon pulled the door open and held it for Raphael, a questioning expression on his face. An expression that said _‘it’s okay if you want to leave, but I’d really like you to stay.’_

Raphael glanced down at the blank screen of his phone, as if Magnus was still on the other end. Then he pushed the phone into his jeans pocket and stepped through the door. Simon smiled brightly, following after him.

The stage was empty now. Several people seated near the doors gave Raphael a curious glance when he re-entered, but went back to their conversation quickly.

He went back to the table in the corner he’d been sitting at before, leaving puddles behind him as he walked. He sat back down, head down, and then jumped slightly when Simon suddenly wrapped a jacket around his shoulders.

‘You look like you need it more than I do,’ Simon explained, sitting down opposite. His glasses had steamed up from being out in the rain, and he took them off and wiped them on the hem of his T-shirt.

‘ _Gracias_.’

‘Are you okay?’ Simon asked again. ‘You really did look upset when you left. And then you were just standing in the rain with no jacket.’

Raphael pulled Simon’s jacket tighter around himself. It was soft and smelled of a mix of Simon’s aftershave and his own personal scent. It was his Batman jacket. Raphael felt an overwhelming urge to put his arms through the overlong sleeves, to pull the hood up so it fell right over his face, to drown himself in the jacket he had never thought he’d wear again.

‘I’m okay,’ he lied.

‘Do you want me to get you a drink?’ Simon offered. There was a hopeful look on his face that told Raphael Simon didn’t just want to buy him a drink because he felt obligated to care for a boy he had brought in out of the heavy downpour. It was an expression Raphael couldn’t refuse, regardless of whether he could drink the drink or not.

Simon got to his feet and slipped away towards the bar.

Raphael glanced around the room. No one was paying them any attention anymore. And no one was familiar. No Shadowhunters.

His phone rang, and he pulled it out of his pocket again. Magnus. He knew he should answer it. In fact, what he should really do was leave Simon’s jacket on the back of the chair and go, while Simon was away. But he didn’t do either of those things. He cancelled Magnus’ call, switched off his phone, drew the jacket tighter around himself again, and waited for Simon to return.

Simon placed a glass of pepsi in front of him and Raphael smiled his thanks as he sat down again with his own drink.

‘You know you still haven’t even told me your name,’ Simon said.

‘Raphael,’ he said, wondering if he had ever actually formally introduced himself to Simon at all. Everything had happened so quickly when they had first met, somewhere along the lines they had just known each other’s names without needing to ask. But now they were meeting for the first time again. At least, Simon was. Raphael had a second chance to make a good first impression. To say that he’d ruined his first chance was an understatement. Not that Simon had minded, in the end.

‘Nice name,’ Simon smiled, cheeks tinged slightly pink. ‘I’m Simon.’

‘I like your band,’ Raphael said, the words forcing their way out of his mouth, demanding to be spoken even though it was a lie. It had been the right thing to say, however. Simon’s face lit up with surprised excitement.

‘Really?’ he asked, actually jumping a little in his chair. He was like an excitable puppy, Raphael mused, not without affection.

He couldn’t help but smile as he said, ‘Yes, really.’

‘I mean, we need a lot of practice. We need a better singer. Matt really needs to start taking it more seriously, but believe it or not we’re actually a lot better than we were last year.’

Simon talking about last year gave Raphael another unpleasant jolt. He wasn’t aware that this time last year he had been drinking blood and fending off demons, vampires, and maniacal Shadowhunters who wanted to burn down the world. Simon had what Raphael had always wanted; he had his life back. Simon had gotten a lot of things Raphael had always wanted, and for the first time Raphael was able to think of this without a trace of jealousy. After what he had done, Simon deserved this.

‘For the sake of being polite, I will not comment on your friends’ abilities,’ Raphael said, ‘but you are amazing.’

Simon giggled, definitely flushing now, and for a long moment they did nothing but smile at each other across the table.

‘Raphael!’ a loud voice cried, in mock surprise. ‘Fancy seeing you here!’ Magnus pulled a chair over from a nearby table, swung it around backwards and sat down on it, arms resting along the back. There was a broad grin plastered across his face, but when he looked at Raphael, his eyes were cold.

‘Hi,’ Simon said, suddenly looking uncomfortable. ‘Are you Raphael’s friend?’

‘Not exactly,’ Magnus said. ‘We have a family emergency, he has to leave.’ He turned back to Raphael as he added, ‘Right now.’

Simon looked disappointed, but he gave Raphael a small smile. ‘I hope everything is okay. Thank you for coming to see us play.’

Raphael tried to reply, but Magnus was already on his feet and pulling Raphael after him. He cast one last glance over at Simon as Magnus all but dragged him through the room, and saw that Simon was still watching him. Simon gave him a little wave, and then they were through the doors and out into the rain. He realised he was still clutching Simon’s jacket around his shoulders.

Magnus had a tight grip on Raphael’s wrist. Raphael could easily pull free – thanks to his vampire abilities, he was stronger than Magnus – but he didn’t see the point. Knowing Magnus, he’d probably just hex him to stop him from running back to Simon. So he simply clung to the jacket and let Magnus drag him back to his loft, where he would inevitably give him a long lecture about endangering Simon and being selfish.

* * *

 

Raphael wore the jacket every night, slept under it during the day, using it as a blanket. The other vampires eyed it curiously, but knew better than to question it.

It was three days after Raphael had seen Simon when Lily knocked on Raphael’s bedroom door and entered.

‘Valentine’s daughter is here,’ Lily said. ‘She wants to speak to you?’

‘Why?’ Raphael asked, even though he knew.

Lily just shrugged, very clearly expressing her complete lack of interest.

‘Just bring her in,’ Raphael said, deciding he couldn’t be bothered to leave his room.

Lily left and returned a minute later followed by Clary. Lily held the door open for her and then left again. Clary was gazing around the room, looking stunned. Raphael supposed he didn’t blame her. After the gloom and filth of the rest of the Hotel Dumort, it was probably a little disorienting coming into Raphael’s room for the first time. It looked like it belonged in a still fully functioning five-star hotel, with its king-size bed, plush carpets, little chandelier hanging from the ceiling, all decorated in deep red and black. One entire wall was lined with packed bookshelves. He would never forget the way Simon’s jaw had dropped the first time he had seen it.

‘I don’t even know why I’m surprised,’ Clary breathed. ‘Simon said you drink blood out of a wine glass.’

‘He told you that?’ Raphael asked. He was leaning back against the plump pillows on the bed, Simon’s Batman jacket pulled across his knees.

‘He talked about you all the time, after he finally admitted he was dating you,’ Clary said. She was still staring around the room, her eyes slipping along the rows of shelves, scanning the spines of the books it held.

The thought of Simon talking about him even when he was not there made Raphael smile and unconsciously pull the jacket closer. The movement drew Clary’s attention to it.

‘It’s true then,’ she said. ‘Magnus said you’d spoken to him. He wasn’t meant to tell me, just slipped out I think. He was furious about it though.’

‘It was an accident,’ Raphael said. ‘Sort of. I had not intended to actually speak to him.’

‘Magnus said you left when Simon saw you but then he found you standing in the rain and took you back inside to look after you,’ Clary said. There was a small smile on her lips. It was a reminiscent smile; happy on the surface, but there was a wealth of sorrow beneath it. ‘That’s just like him. He’s exactly the same, isn’t he?’

‘What were you expecting?’

‘I thought, maybe… because he didn’t remember me… I mean, we grew up together. I’ve known him my whole life. He’s definitely had a huge impact on my life. I wondered if maybe he’d be different because… because he didn’t have me.’

Raphael didn’t know what to say.

‘My mom bought him that jacket you know,’ she said abruptly, nodding towards the Batman jacket as Raphael fiddled absently with the sleeves. ‘For his fifteenth birthday. He loved it, said it was his favourite birthday present. He refused to take it off for days, until he spilled coffee down it and his mom forced him to wash it. I wonder where he thinks he got it from now?’ she said. ‘How does this memory thing even work?’

‘I wish I knew.’

‘Is he okay?’ Clary asked, and Raphael thought she was finally getting around to what she had really come here for. ‘Is he… happy?’

Raphael thought of the smile on Simon’s face as he played on stage, as though he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

‘He was,’ Raphael said.

‘Was?’

‘He doesn’t remember us, Clarissa. He can’t miss what he doesn’t remember…’

‘…But?’ Clary prompted.

Raphael now thought of the way Simon’s face had lit up when he’d seen Raphael watching him on stage, the way his cheeks had flushed with pleasure as they talked, and the disappointment on his face when Magnus had dragged Raphael away. It wasn’t the kind of disappointment you’d expect someone to feel when a conversation with a cute stranger is cut short, as it should have been. It was more like the expression someone might wear when they have everything they have ever wanted right within their grasp, only to have it slip away at the last moment.

Simon had been happy. Raphael didn’t know if he still was. And if he wasn’t, it would be his fault.

Again.

Clary seemed to understand all of this without Raphael even needing to speak.

* * *

A car horn blared. Someone yelled in fear. Raphael didn’t hesitate. He darted across the road, seized Simon around the waist and pulled him to safety, just as the car flew past. He heard the driver yelling furiously at Simon as it passed.

Raphael let go of him now that he was safe. ‘Did your mother never teach you to cross the street properly?’ Raphael demanded. ‘That car could have killed you. Why don’t you learn to watch where you are going?’

Simon looked down at him, bewildered. ‘It’s you,’ he said.

Raphael was momentarily thrown, his anger instantly abating.

‘You just saved my life,’ Simon said wondrously, a smile spreading across his lips. He didn’t look like he had just almost been killed. ‘I’ve been looking for you everywhere and never saw you and then you saved my life.’ He laughed.

Raphael didn’t know what to say.

‘And you’re wearing my jacket.’ His eyes were bright, reading the situation perfectly.

Raphael shrugged the jacket off and held it out to Simon. ‘I didn’t mean to take it, I’m sorry.’

Simon didn’t take it. ‘Your friend said you had a family emergency. Was everything okay?’

Typical Simon, Raphael thought. Immediately after a near death experience, he was already worrying about other people.

‘It is now,’ Raphael said.

‘Good,’ Simon said, sounding like he meant it. ‘I was worrying about you all night afterwards. I wished I’d got your number so I could check up on you but…’ He gave Raphael a guilty smile. ‘I was too scared to ask.’ He nodded at the jacket Raphael was still holding out to him. ‘Put it back on. You’re still only in short sleeves and it’s freezing.’

Raphael considered, and then pulled the jacket back on. It fell almost to his knees, the sleeves falling right over his hands so he had to roll them back. Simon grinned at the sight.

‘Why don’t we go for coffee or something?’ Simon asked. ‘You did just save my life, I should thank you.’

‘You already gave me a jacket after I got caught in the rain and bought me a drink,’ Raphael said. ‘You don’t owe me anything.’

‘That’s not the same as pulling me out of the way of a speeding car.’

Raphael looked up into Simon’s familiar brown eyes, almost the colour of coffee themselves. A thousand different memories flashed through his mind; lying in bed, their foreheads pressed together, Simon’s arms around him; Simon kissing the cross shaped scar on his chest; Simon lifting him right off his feet when they hugged. None of those things had happened for Simon, but everything about the way he was looking at Raphael now told him that he _wanted_ those things. He had lost his memories, but he hadn’t changed.

‘Okay,’ Raphael said. ‘Maybe just for a little while. It’s late.’

As though it was the most natural thing in the world, as if he remembered that he had done it a million times before, Simon slipped his hand into Raphael’s, twining their fingers together, and they began to walk.


End file.
